August 23, 2021
This morning I woke up & couldn’t figure out what I needed. Instead of doing my normal routine that I know hasn’t worked for me for a few weeks now, I decided to get out of bed, curl up on the couch & just read (this page tho👆🏼).
I’ve been battling:
✨The reality of going back to full-time for myself finnnnallly — figuring out which direction to go, where, with who & how I want to spend my time & how “full-force” to go
✨Managing other people’s brands which really means taking on their whole identity daily with no off switch, all while trying to hang on to mine
✨Staying on my birth control or going off (I decided to say bye-bye) — ignoring the CVS “your prescription is ready” texts & my OBGYN phone calls to schedule my next appointment
✨“Expecting myself in others”
✨Trying to be so in love w/ the present moment w/ those I choose to surround myself with all while recognizing how scattered my brain has been
✨Buying/finding all new clothes. “How I show up” has always been such a big part of my identity but after donating so much in ‘20 to working in sports again, I need to rebuild my wardrobe & mentally want to “get dressed”
✨Finding my groove & routine again with so much constant and unknown change
✨Working in silence vs sharing every step of the way
✨~so much more~
So today – I chose to put off any & all other responsibilities knowing that I needed this reset more than “what needed me.” I’ve been putting off finishing UNTAMED not because I didn’t want to read it but because I kept telling myself that sitting on the couch curling up in a blanket & reading a book while I had other work to do wasn’t a good idea. I’ve been telling myself this for almost a year. Since today was rainy as f*ck, that was my excuse to finish this book. But as I’ve laid here since 8AM reading, taking notes, spacing out… I reminded myself that stopping and reading & taking a breath — taking in solely one person‘s narrative, is the exact work I needed to do to continue forward. “A mental health day,” Alex said tonight as I was still in the same spot that he left me this AM. Yea actually. True definition of it. And I’ve never taken one like this in my entire 26 years of existence.