[August 2019] I was floating in the pool today —–alone—– All of the little random anxieties that have been building lately due to lack of time alone has continuously been over looked. I haven’t been focusing on it, rather just going with the flow…. but in that moment in the pool— all I could do was focus on my breathing to stay afloat.
I thought about all of the missed opportunities when I was younger to have fun and swim. I’d make excuses like ‘I don’t want to get my hair wet.’ But what I really meant by that was I took so long getting ready to look for “all of you” that I don’t want to risk ruining that appearance and having my makeup run down my face and give you the opportunity to look at me any other way but simply put together.
Or I’d say ‘I don’t want to go in the pool because I wanna lay out and feel myself get tan out here.’ Even though I knew you can get tan in the water, and usually more tan because of how it reflects, but again, I didn’t want to ruin my “it took me over an hour to look like this” look.
AND usually my hair would be colored with an obnoxious price attached to it. So, I couldn’t risk the chlorine hitting it, and finding the outcome of that science experiment. NOW, I leave the house with wet hair, half straightened or curled sometimes, throw some dry shampoo in, sometimes take time to put on makeup, maybe just some mascara, and hope for the best.
I know I’ve said it before, but I always have the Kylie Jenner “the year of realizing things” in my head. That was back in 2016, but 3 years later it’s still so relevant. Just keep realizing and reading. And learning so strongly that’s it’s about the journey, not the destination.
Looking back, I missed out on a lot of little things because I didn’t always do what I actually ever wanted to do. There was a lot that limited myself… I would limit myself. I did things based on what I thought made sense for others happiness, and not my own. Never what would fully be fun in that moment.
Today, I no longer made my focus on getting the best tan, but rather what made me the happiest in the moment.
I’ve been asked multiple times since my last relationship why I was so happy after, what was wrong with me, what flipped, since when was I always so positive etc. Without even fully realizing, all along the vibes in my head, didn’t necessarily match my actions due to who I was surrounding myself with. I was happy, but this is a different kind of happy that you’ll never be able to feel until you’re fully alone. A self love kind of happy.
Somehow every day I’m brought back to that. And I reflect and realized that I changed my outlook on life. I’m no longer living to impress or care about someone else so hard that I adapt to their way of life and lose myself in the process. I’m living for me. For my happiness. My experience. My peak state 24/7.
I can breathe and feel fully responsible with who I am because I’m doing what I want and what I feel is best for me at every given moment. I’m no longer staying in the dotted lines of what’s expected, but I’m creating my own completed line and journey that no one else may understand, but the only explanation I owe is to myself and no one else.
I’m sitting here feeling so thankful that my parents have built a beautiful home and have a pool where we can relax and escape to. I’m reading the Law of Attraction: The Basics of the Teachings of Abraham, reading about joy. “Become a being who thinks only of that which he is wanting; who speaks of only that quick he is wanting; who does only that which he is wanting- and therefore brings forth only joyful emotion,” p. 67.
Needless to say I jumped in the pool a million times. Did handstands and flips alone. Laughed and smiled by myself, for myself. Took deep breaths, remained in the moment, loved myself, lived.
**This photo is an old one. I did not put my phone on a timer to take this LOL**